The white man’s burden

Normally I try to structure my arguments- you know, build up some sort of introduction or prologue on which the entire superstructure on the case in question will rest. But today I won’t do that; I’ll just go straight to the issue and say it-

Indians are terribly complexed about being dark.

Now many of you out there will disagree with me on that, not because you genuinely differ with what I just wrote but because you’re just a bunch of cunts who think it’s smart to question everything that wasn’t your own idea[1].

A simple glance at the mind numbing list of fairness products will be enough to put any dissent to rest on that issue- we sell fairness creams, soaps, lotions, scrubs, exfoliants, defoliants, tinctures, ointments, liniments, organophosphates, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, MAO inhibitors. And more importantly, people in this country actually go out and buy them.

But why are we so complexed about our leathery hides? Why aren’t we happy to be who we are?

A century ago a famous Germano- semetic pervert called Sigmund Freud said that all of man's activities are directly or indirectly aligned towards the aim of having sex. In other words everything from the bombing of Hiroshima to French women not shaving their armpits, from the invention of lycra to the discovery of the g spot, the declaration of independence and the caste system, everything was put in made or put in place because the people involved thought that it would help them get laid. By that rather sound logic we can clearly infer that people want to look whiter because they feel that it'll increase the amount of 'action' they'll get.

Now, there is a phenomenon commonly observed in society called ‘Hypergamy’. It’s defined as—

Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as marrying up) is the act or practice of seeking a spouse of equal or higher (aka gold digger) socioeconomic status, or caste status than oneself.

Humans might be very inclined to having sex, but they also happen to be rather choosy about who they have sex with (Particularly women). And that’s where hypergamy comes in place.

You want to marry someone of high status?

60 years ago that may have meant trying to screw the British Viceroy’s daughter[2], or some other gora/gori who were the de facto ruling class of India. As far as social status was concerned, they were second to none within the continent. 300 years ago that same ruling class would have been the Mughals, 500 years ago it would have been the Afghans, 900 years ago it would have been the Turks, 1400 years ago that would have been the Sakas/Kushans/Hepthalites/Turks, 2300 years ago it would have been the Greeks, and 3500 years ago that place would have been reserved for the early Aryans fresh into India from central Asia. What’s the common factor between the English, the Mughlas, Afghans, Central Asians, Greeks and the Aryans?

Man for man they were far fairer than the average Indian.

So for all of our recorded history our dominant ruling classes have been fairer than the average joe on the street. Naturally we Indians began to associate whiteness with high status and wealth. And since these were normally successful foreign invaders, we associated their ‘whiteness’ with some form of inherent superiority. We committed the very understandable error of confusing the symptoms with the cause. We’d point our genitals towards something whiter than us and chase it till we copulated with it.

This is precisely why Indian men and women spend an ever growing amount of money on products that can ostensibly make them look fairer. They all think that buying fair and handsome will help them get laid.

There’s another factor that I’d like to consider- a few years I read an article in the Sunday Times of India and I thought it made a lot of sense. It stated that Indians have this slavish predilection towards white skin because the upper classes of Indian society largely did not work outdoors- these were your landowners, government officials, businessmen etc. Unlike the common farm laborer these people would spend a great deal of their time indoors and thus prevent getting tanned. The lowest strata of society however had no other employment options besides slogging in the cancerous heat of the Indian summer. Thus over time someone who was fairer could be inferred as richer simply because he/she apparently could afford not working in the summer heat. And so not having a tan is a symbol of wealth and privilege. And this symbol applied particularly strictly to women.

This was not just the case with India, way back in Victorian England extremely pale women were considered sexy. That points to the origins of the term ‘Fair Lady’ or the Germanic fairy tale Snow White where the antagonist often repeats the platitude- ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all’.

I’m sure no single one of these theories is 100% correct, but both of them must have reinforced each other in making India such a white friendly place.

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[1] In other words you’re like the BJP and its policy of mindlessly opposing the Congress’s Nuclear Cooperation bill with the US.

[2] The Maharaja of Patiala actually did this

The passions of the FAG

Fags--- those dirty bastards walking around in go-go boots with anklets around their eponymous body parts. Clean shaven, over gelled, over articulate, champagne drinking, abba listening, Elton John lookalikes lacking the talent but compensating with the ability to annoy. Few things bring out such a loathsome reaction more than a homosexual. There’s just something wrong with a man who wakes up one fine day and decides that all he wants in life is to gobble some knobs and read cosmopolitain.

While there may be a lot to think about as to what makes biologically functional men turn gay, what’s more interesting is why the figure of the faggot is so reviled the world over. Particularly among straight men.

If you look at things logically there is nothing less threatening to a straight man and his Darwinian desire to survive and reproduce than a gay man. He isn’t competing for valuable real estate within a woman’s uterus, he’s equally unlikely to swing a chainsaw into your rib cage for taking his parking space. Men should logically revile threats to their survival and reproduction instinct instead- i.e. other heterosexuals. While you and your buddy’s go around town bashing poofs, some straight guy could be knocking up your wife or mixing laxatives in your orange juice. Hell, ever since the rather prudish Supreme Court of India legalized the gay couple, fags have helped a lot of lonely straight stags enter clubs posing as couples so that they can tank up on some Blenders Pride and chase tail… Yes, fags are helping you and me get laid![1]

Yet again why do we hate fags?

Maybe there’s that element of being hit on all the time. Most men are slightly flattered when that happens, however they take offense when it implies that the poofs hitting on you think you’re one of their tribe.

At times it’s their other traits that annoy us- pedantic hygiene, grooming, over enunciation of consonants, unrequited use of the words like ‘fabulous’ and ‘wonderful’ and an inexplicable affinity to Lady Gaga.

One could say that this has all to do with trappings- i.e. straight men hate the external appearance and tastes of gay men. But if we hated clean shaven, over articulate, champagne drinking, abba listening wannabe Elton Johns then we’d hate all Frenchmen.

But there’s a more interesting twist to this story—most of the civilized male world vents its disgust at the overtly flamboyant homosexual. And with the right reasons—aside from dressing up like flashbacks from the 80s they go around wearing their sexuality on their sleeve hitting on anything that has a y chromosome. That for a straight man is threatening. Men are not overtly sexual creatures; they have useful activities to distract themselves from sex such as beer and heroine.

There is however the species of fags that escape men’s ire—the reserved almost closet homosexual. Like Steven Fry, John Maynard Keynes or Jude Law (The last person is not homosexual, but I just put him there because this is my blog and if you disagree with me I’ll lock you up in a sauna room with 5 Philipino yoga instructors and watch you while they surya namaskar your ass). It’s strange but this breed of fags almost getaway with being themselves. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that at least on the surface these are men who for the most part behave like men. I’m not gonna be talking about these ones here, but am going to focus on the earlier George Miachaels breed of homosexuals.

The truth is that we hate the overt super gay drag queen variety of fag for the simple reason that we see something terribly wrong with a person having a man’s physiology and woman’s psychology.

Having said all that we also know another variety of people who smoke menthols while sipping appletinis and reading cosmo. This variety is called ‘woman’. Notable examples include Mother Teresa, Paris Hilton, Lady Gaga, Mary Queen of Scots, Taylor Lautner (If you protest at that last choice, I’ll unleash the Philipinnos on you).

So I can quite imagine the flummoxed reader of this blog with a syringe of Heroin in one hand, a pint of paint remover in the other and a look of forlorn confusion on his face asking[- ‘Did he just say that all girls are gay?’

Not quite—I’m saying that fags are girls.

‘But why do straight men like girls and hate fags?’ asks the flummoxed reader of this blog

That’s simple—they’re all the same except with one difference, Fags don’t have vaginas. That’s why it’s never worth it being nice to them.[2]

PS- By the way there is the third variety of fag that I didn’t delve on much. But I’m sure if you go to prison you’ll find him in the shower room behind you.

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[1] According to official RBI figures, 72% of all jokes in circulation within the economy involve either fags or sodomy. A complete withdrawal of them from the market could lead to a liquidity crunch followed by complete market collapse.

[2] It also explains why women are so friendly to fags—they’re just like other girls since for all effective purposes they don’t have a penis. That’s why for women, it’s never worth it giving them attitude.