Fags--- those dirty bastards walking around in go-go boots with anklets around their eponymous body parts. Clean shaven, over gelled, over articulate, champagne drinking, abba listening, Elton John lookalikes lacking the talent but compensating with the ability to annoy. Few things bring out such a loathsome reaction more than a homosexual. There’s just something wrong with a man who wakes up one fine day and decides that all he wants in life is to gobble some knobs and read cosmopolitain.
While there may be a lot to think about as to what makes biologically functional men turn gay, what’s more interesting is why the figure of the faggot is so reviled the world over. Particularly among straight men.
If you look at things logically there is nothing less threatening to a straight man and his Darwinian desire to survive and reproduce than a gay man. He isn’t competing for valuable real estate within a woman’s uterus, he’s equally unlikely to swing a chainsaw into your rib cage for taking his parking space. Men should logically revile threats to their survival and reproduction instinct instead- i.e. other heterosexuals. While you and your buddy’s go around town bashing poofs, some straight guy could be knocking up your wife or mixing laxatives in your orange juice. Hell, ever since the rather prudish Supreme Court of India legalized the gay couple, fags have helped a lot of lonely straight stags enter clubs posing as couples so that they can tank up on some Blenders Pride and chase tail… Yes, fags are helping you and me get laid![1]
Yet again why do we hate fags?
Maybe there’s that element of being hit on all the time. Most men are slightly flattered when that happens, however they take offense when it implies that the poofs hitting on you think you’re one of their tribe.
At times it’s their other traits that annoy us- pedantic hygiene, grooming, over enunciation of consonants, unrequited use of the words like ‘fabulous’ and ‘wonderful’ and an inexplicable affinity to Lady Gaga.
One could say that this has all to do with trappings- i.e. straight men hate the external appearance and tastes of gay men. But if we hated clean shaven, over articulate, champagne drinking, abba listening wannabe Elton Johns then we’d hate all Frenchmen.
But there’s a more interesting twist to this story—most of the civilized male world vents its disgust at the overtly flamboyant homosexual. And with the right reasons—aside from dressing up like flashbacks from the 80s they go around wearing their sexuality on their sleeve hitting on anything that has a y chromosome. That for a straight man is threatening. Men are not overtly sexual creatures; they have useful activities to distract themselves from sex such as beer and heroine.
There is however the species of fags that escape men’s ire—the reserved almost closet homosexual. Like Steven Fry, John Maynard Keynes or Jude Law (The last person is not homosexual, but I just put him there because this is my blog and if you disagree with me I’ll lock you up in a sauna room with 5 Philipino yoga instructors and watch you while they surya namaskar your ass). It’s strange but this breed of fags almost getaway with being themselves. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that at least on the surface these are men who for the most part behave like men. I’m not gonna be talking about these ones here, but am going to focus on the earlier George Miachaels breed of homosexuals.
The truth is that we hate the overt super gay drag queen variety of fag for the simple reason that we see something terribly wrong with a person having a man’s physiology and woman’s psychology.
Having said all that we also know another variety of people who smoke menthols while sipping appletinis and reading cosmo. This variety is called ‘woman’. Notable examples include Mother Teresa, Paris Hilton, Lady Gaga, Mary Queen of Scots, Taylor Lautner (If you protest at that last choice, I’ll unleash the Philipinnos on you).
So I can quite imagine the flummoxed reader of this blog with a syringe of Heroin in one hand, a pint of paint remover in the other and a look of forlorn confusion on his face asking[- ‘Did he just say that all girls are gay?’
Not quite—I’m saying that fags are girls.
‘But why do straight men like girls and hate fags?’ asks the flummoxed reader of this blog
That’s simple—they’re all the same except with one difference, Fags don’t have vaginas. That’s why it’s never worth it being nice to them.[2]
PS- By the way there is the third variety of fag that I didn’t delve on much. But I’m sure if you go to prison you’ll find him in the shower room behind you.
[1] According to official RBI figures, 72% of all jokes in circulation within the economy involve either fags or sodomy. A complete withdrawal of them from the market could lead to a liquidity crunch followed by complete market collapse.
[2] It also explains why women are so friendly to fags—they’re just like other girls since for all effective purposes they don’t have a penis. That’s why for women, it’s never worth it giving them attitude.
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